‘Gutfeld!’ on Democrats’ cover-ups, pets eating marijuana

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‘Gutfeld!’ on Democrats’ cover-ups, pets eating marijuana

This is a rush transcript from "Gutfeld!," January 27, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST:

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This is a rush transcript from “Gutfeld!,” January 27, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: Yes. Yes. I’ll show you who’s boss. Yes. All right. Clap. Clap, you stupid people. Happy glorious Thursday. What an amazing show we have for you today. Dana Perino is here. Doesn’t she look lovely? But wait, is that really Dana? I mean, it could be, or it could be a blood sucking demon. But I guess you’ll have to trust me that it’s Dana. Fact is you can’t tell because like the reoccurring zit on my neck, it’s covered up.

Maybe it’s Dana. Maybe it isn’t. We’ll have to see if she tests positive for sugar and spice. You see, I’m being the opposite of transparent to remind you of our current government. Have you noticed that everything they do these days that turns out bad, illegal or just infuriating always begins with a cover up? Whether you were the victim of your boss’s unwanted advances at your job in Albany or had relatives die in a New York nursing home because of horrible decisions.

Your suspicions are either denied or mocked by the people in power. You might even be called a stupid son of a bitch by a guy who complete sentences as often as I dunk basketballs. The list of deliberate non transparency is endless, as is my hate for it. The origins of Wuhan, while they mock the lab league theory, even though the place was breeding more disease than the Playboy Mansion grotto.

Gain of function? Never happened. Well, actually it did. And yes, it was funded by whom? Long story. A reoccurring character named Anthony Fauci was involved. How about your risk of dying from COVID? I bet you don’t even know your specific risk even after 2-1/2 half years. And what happened to the rapid testing? How about a rapid answer? No chance. It’s like asking a waitress where your drinks are after 20 minutes in a crowded restaurant.

Yes. I know you’ll find out and circle back. Did the supply chain ever get fixed? Hell even the looters in L.A. are complaining that the trains are late. And where’s Mayor Pete? Is he still lactating? What’s Kamala doing? Hell, what’s Joe even doing besides napping? So how are we dealing with China? Well, there’s COVID, fentanyl, the Uyghurs. Do we know anything? What was in that letter to Putin?

A stern warning a mysterious white powder. 30 bucks for a new shirt? What about crime? Remember, when those hate crime stats were everywhere, then they weren’t? Remember when mug shots mattered. Now they’re gone? That as murders spike, bureaucrats combined violent and non-violent crimes into a lump sum to hide the rise in murder. As if people attacked on subway platforms were thinking, hey, at least this isn’t mail fraud.

It’s more sleight of hand from the people who have blood on theirs. There’s Hunter’s laptop, of course, something so obviously real but buried like a murder victim in a crawl space. And if you brought it up, you were the one who couldn’t tweet. Joe Biden’s business dealings harder to find than a clean meth pipe in Hunter’s car at 2:00 a.m.

And what was Joe’s entire election strategy? Not being there. A human embodiment of opaqueness. The less you see of him, the better because what you see is what you get and what you get stinks. Figuratively, probably literally. How about voter I.D. tell you who’s voting. What’s wrong with that? Definitely makes an election less transparent, but the left calls it voter suppression.

Yet, I’ve never met someone who doesn’t have an I.D. Well, if you don’t include the 230 illegals who just moved into my town in the middle of the night. Speaking of, check out this new leaked video that shows what we already knew. That in darkness the Fed secretly flew illegal immigrants from the border to communities also kept in the dark about these trips. The tape shows local police confused and surprised by flights landing after the airport closed in breach of security. They’re both literally and figuratively being kept in the dark.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: So you know, you’re on a secure facility here and we don’t really know anything and we’re in charge of security. So hence where we’re having a problem here.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes. We’re hanging out here on the tarmac.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: I don’t know anybody.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes. I used to pick up — I used to pick up basketball teams that had more security than this.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: One hundred percent and very easily, you know, a few people could just go that way.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes. Apparently this flight was just one of many that moves migrants from places like McAllen, El Paso and Houston. It’s a pleasant flight for these mystery passengers. Meanwhile, the rest of us get masked and groped like rat a Halloween sex party. Not that I mind. It’s been a while. And then suddenly the flight stopped when the public found out. So what are these examples have in common?

Well, they are deliberately murky. It’s not that they’re just lying, they’re simply making it harder to see what’s going on. It’s like the dirty lens on my balcony telescope. You know, when I’m looking into the apartments across the way, hoping to see a hot couple, making a panini naked. It sucks. Every single thing mentioned remains cloudy in order to hide corruption, incompetence and worse, hard-left ideology.

In politics they say sunlight is the best disinfectant. But to the Biden administration, sunlight has the same effect as it does on vampires. They don’t take cover from it quickly. They will die. Biden’s opaqueness preserves him as an empty vessel ready for filling the contents provided by activists bent on the radical remake. And so everything has to be done out of sight. It’s the opposite of magic.

It’s not now you see it now you don’t. If you don’t see it, now you do and there’s nothing you can do about it. Now watch me pull these illegals out of a van. You can’t just wave a wand however, and make problems disappear. Or can you?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: All this paperwork, I wish it would disappear forever. That’s magic, man.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, who the hell left all this paperwork for me? This isn’t mine. I could see you. You’re not invisible. I can see — you just punch that man.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I have a really weird staff. The bottom line, the war these days is between shirts and skins, non-transparent and the transparent. No wonder all of these clandestine operators hated Trump so much. He did everything out in the open and I mean everything.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I missed that. But Trump’s openness force them to play along so they just decided to get rid of them even before day one. And really that was the only thing transparent about them.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. She always let sleeping dogs lie so she can take 100 photos of them for her Instagram. America’s newsroom co-anchor and co-host of “THE FIVE,” Dana Perino. He’s like a hotel breakfast buffet served piping hot. But gone by the time you wake up. “FOX AND FRIENDS FIRST” co-host Todd Piro. She’s just what the doctor ordered before they suspended his license. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf.

And people gravitate towards him as do moons, planets and asteroids. My massive sidekick and the NWA’s World Champion Television blah, blah, blah, Tyrus.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: (INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: I almost lose air during — I lose consciousness during those introductions because it’s so much, Dana. My job is so hard compared to yours.

(CROSSTALK)

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS HOST: You got it rough. You got it real rough. You got an audience and that’s great.

GUTFELD: Three people. They’ll work for me. They’re scared (BLEEP) if they don’t clap. I will beat them up. I will physically brutalize them. Dana, what do you make of my brilliant monologue in which I noticed reoccurring theme in everything and that theme is opaqueness? I don’t think anybody on television has ever noticed that before.

PERINO: They might not have. I mean, this is a very innovative show. And you —

GUTFELD: Thank you.

PERINO: That’s why you got to stay up till 11:00 p.m. East Coast time to watch it every night.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

PERINO: There was one other thing that happened just today.

GUTFELD: What?

PERINO: And we’ve been waiting for this report for several months because there was going to be a big investigation into whether these border patrol guys, agents ride horses were whipping migrants. Remember that?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: They were benched?

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: They were denigrated. They were told they couldn’t work. They were told they were racist.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: There’s going to be a big investigation. Well, guess what? Report might never come out. And the government said that today.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: So it’s just another example in this. And the media has made — they just make it so much worse for Biden. I don’t think that the Biden team realizes that the more the media hides all of this, the worse it is for them.

GUTFELD: Right. Right. And the reason they can’t do the report because it will embarrass them. So it’s like another — it’s like a second level of non-transparency but just canceling the report.

PERINO: But if they had just come out and said, wow, did we get that wrong?

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: We had no — you know, I’ve never left Greenwich, Connecticut, and I’m really sorry that I had no idea what it’s like to be on a horse.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Please forgive me. You know, in a way, I think that even the Border Patrol agents were like, OK, fine.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: But instead what they’ve done is they’ve just tried to walk away way from it and the media is letting them do it.

GUTFELD: Of course because they let everyone — every one of these mishaps go. Todd, did they really think that we would never find out about these immigrant — these immigrant flights? I mean, doing it at the dead of night. It’s kind of insulting. I mean, you’re the only person up.

TODD PIRO, FOX NEWS CORRESPONDENT: Right. Literally, I’m the only human in America.

GUTFELD: Yes. Why don’t you — why don’t you break this story?

PIRO: I should have been there.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRO: I should have been there —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: You know what, you were in “FOX AND FRIENDS FIRST, “you were Fox and Friends Last.

PIRO: Ouch. Ouch. You know, that hurts, Greg. But to your question, Greg.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRO: No, they didn’t think they’d get caught.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRO: They never think that they’re going to get caught. Did Hunter think he’d get caught? Did anybody in that sphere? And it’s not just the Biden administration. It’s the entire Democrat political machine, they do things and either one, they don’t think they’re going to get caught. Or two, they think the American people are too stupid or three, that the media is going to cover up for them.

And quite frankly, all three have been happening for so much of our lifetime. And as a result, we’re in the situation that we’re in, and it’s not good. Why — to your point, Dana, why is nobody else talking about this? This is a really big deal. People being dropped off in your community, yet nobody’s talking about it.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. There’s like — now almost, I think according to the — considered the source, the Republican Party, I got the little e-mail. Half a million Got Aways. That’s what they call them, Got Aways. They’re here, they get — they got away. And I do believe like the — almost all of them are law abiding. But I think you got to just know who these people are, Tyrus. Why the opaqueness? Do you — you live a very transport — transparent life. You tell everybody what’s going on in your life.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: — anything. You do.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You’re always telling on me. Oh, he’s checking up on me. You know, it’s funny. They used to talk about draining the swamp.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: The Swamp is deep now. And it’s just mucked up.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: I don’t know what they thought. They made their entire point of being was to expose everything the previous administration did. It was the White House was a glass house and everyone had a front row seat. We saw everything. We saw how he answered the phone, how he sat in his desk. How – – what he did first, how many papers he read today and you think you can go back. The American people started watching politics, like people watch sports.

PERINO: Yes.

TYRUS: And now they’re trying to go back to nothing to see here. The Wizard of Oz, we got to — we got to count cows and make sure people have masks on.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Meanwhile, the country is falling apart. And I know somebody was put in charge of this border situation. Who? What? What? Kat, what was that like second — oh, the Vice President, yes. The Vice President was put in charge. She was bizarre, right? Was she called bizarre?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Of the border. So, all they did was go 24 hours, but we can’t get — I can’t get a red eye to get home out of New York. That would be nice.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: But we can’t do that. Because it’s not, you know, it’s unfair because the security risks and stuff. But apparently, if you don’t have citizenship, it’s almost better in this country. You get vaccines, trips anywhere you want in the country.

GUTFELD: Yes. You get dropped off.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes. They find out where your — where your relatives are. And I guess they pick a place where they drop you off, and then the bus takes you there. I should be — I wish I knew this happened when I was in college. I would have saved so much money, Kat. Think of all the money you save on flights, if you just go to the border. And then — and then tell them that your family lives in Detroit, and they might fly you there.

Although, you know — and you’d have — you could look — anyway. I was going to something. Don’t you make kind of like Miss Trump where we learned everything all the time in real time. And it was kind of exhausting, that I learned about stuff that I never thought I would learn because he would ask these crazy questions. And people would have to answer them.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: No, people were certainly paying more attention. And obviously, I have a, you know, different view on immigration than probably everyone here.

GUTFELD: Oh, really?

TIMPF: Yes, I do. And it’s — I think it’s great. I think we need more of it. I think any non-violent person who wants to contribute to our economy should be able to do that.

GUTFELD: Yes. You’re conflating — you’re conflating two things. I actually agree. So does Dana. You’re conflating that the idea of —

TIMPF: You’re right. I was done talking.

GUTFELD: You know I’m saying but you said that you might have a different opinion. I’m saying you don’t.

TIMPF: OK. Then a lot of people do.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And then a lot of people — I’m not a Republican on this issue at all. I, you know, and people will sometimes, you know, say to me like, well, do you want them all at your house? Blah, blah, blah. And I’m like, depends on the night. You know. But no, last night my husband was working late, I was so bored. I would have had many migrants over. Great. But the problem is —

GUTFELD: Those poor migrants.

TIMPF: They would leave. It’s like everyone does. Because like they were bragged about being the most transparent administration in history. And there’s nothing — it’s nothing close to that. When you’re doing secret nighttime lights of thing — that’s not transparency at all.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: And then it hurts the people who want to have more legal.

TIMPF: Absolutely.

PERINO: It helps — it hurts getting to that result.

GUTFELD: That was what — that was what I was going to — I need to jump on you about that. What I was trying to say is that like, I really want healthy immigration. But it gets conflated, like every time you get mad about this stuff, somebody goes, oh you’re racist.

PIRO: Right.

GUTFELD: or you don’t want the — you’re like, oh, these are the people that wash your dishes, you go, yes, I want them to wash my dishes except that we’re taking advantage of them and the the border states are getting screwed. There — the border states are dealing with this problem. But New York is getting —

(CROSSTALK)

TIMPF: I think — I think everyone who’s nonviolent wants to contribute to the economy outcome. I don’t think there should be one.

GUTFELD: I think, though, that you can actually count. Like if you’ve got engineers to count how many people you would need, it would be actually like, how many do you need this year, how many do you need next year? It’s like really easy, but we don’t do that. So, I just — I just think I just solved the problem.

PERINO: Tada.

GUTFELD: All right. Up next, Neil Young want a Joe Rogan suppressed, but Spotify denied his request.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Hey, hey, my, my Neil Young’s gone from Spotify. Yes. He said it’s either me or Joe so they told him where to go. Spotify has removed all of Neil Young’s music following his open letter, bad idea, to his label asking them to remove his music from the service saying it’s spreading COVID misinformation through Rogan’s show. Wrote Young, they can have Rogen or Young not both.

Well, apparently that was an easy choice. Young is no longer on Spotify. We go to music lovers for a response.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes. He won’t be missed. Of course, the $100 million deal Spotify gave Rogan two years ago probably helped sway that decision. Hell for 100 bucks. I’ll set Kat on fire right now. And you don’t throw away that much money unless you’re leaving Afghanistan. Young claims his defiant stance will cost him 60 percent of his streaming income. Although at his age, most of Neil’s streaming comes from Flomax.

If you know what that is, you’re in our age group. Meanwhile, Biden’s Surgeon General Vivek Murthy seemed to suggest this week that may be Joe should be censored.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: What do you think are the best ways to push back on misinformation about COVID that continues to be aggressively pushed, whether it be Joe Rogan’s podcast or all over Facebook?

DR. VIVEK MURTHY, SURGEON GENERAL: This is not just about what government can do. This is about companies and individuals are recognizing that the only way we get past misinformation is if we are careful about what we say and we use the power that we have to limit the spread of that misinformation.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It wouldn’t be a bad idea if you’re into equally limiting the spread in both directions, but they never do. Which is why you have to let the opinions, theories in assorted idiocy fly. Of course, real science isn’t afraid of alternative views, or people asking questions. Neither is Weird Science. Remember that movie? Kelly LeBrock. Oh, where am I? But all of this leaves me with just three questions.

One, is Joe Rogan now the biggest threat to legacy media since Donald Trump? Two, should I be jealous? Three. Is this your favorite Neil Young song?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: I think it was quite a — quite a talent. So Todd, I mean, it’s like, if you’re going to — if you’re going to like make an ultimatum, you should probably kind of assess, you know, you don’t strike an ultimatum with a gorilla.

PIRO: Right.

GUTFELD: Like Rogan has like 11 million viewers. They paid him 100 — do you think he was doing — do you think he knew he — I mean, that’s like me going up to Mrs. Clooney and saying it’s either me or George.

PIRO: But that’s the point that you see on the left is that they don’t understand the concept of leverage. I mean, look at the squad, right? They stamp their feet like a bunch of kids like we need our way, we got to get our laws and — there are four of you. OK?

PERINO: Right.

PIRO: You don’t have the numbers. Neil Young doesn’t have the numbers because again, I know your music guy. But quite frankly, nobody under 55 gives a you know what about Neil Young. OK? So —

TIMPF: I don’t know what?

TYRUS: Oh, you know what. Oh, you know.

PIRO: But at the end of the day, I mean, they’re going to obviously make this choice and liberals just don’t get leverage in this another example of it. Of course we’re going to go with Joe.

GUTFELD: Yes. I think that’s why he did it, Kat. I think he said himself, he figured if I’m going to go out I’ll just create some terms.

TIMPF: I don’t think he did. I think he did it just for himself to be like, just so in case anybody thinks that I’m not liberal.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I am. But the thing about talking about banning misinformation is that anyone who calls for that, even Biden calling for that is outrageous because what he’s saying really is that OK, only the government should be allowed to, you know, publish misinformation because how many things has the CDC been wrong on?

GUTFELD: Oh, God. Tons.

TIMPF: A lot of things.

GUTFELD: A lot of things. That was not just a rhetorical question. It beg for an answer. And I gave you one young lady. Tyrus, let’s be frank about Joe Rogan. He sits for three hours sometimes gets really stoned. I watch it. And he says some crazy, crazy (BLEEP)

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: But that’s why it’s great. And then we know it. We know it. Like – – it’s like, how can you — it’s the beauty of the internet.

TYRUS: The irony of this whole story is just so ironic. I mean, honestly, it took Dana 20 minutes to explain to me that Neil Young and Neil Diamond weren’t the same person. That’s how up on it I was.

GUTFELD: I love Neil Diamond though. Love him. Anyway. Sorry.

TYRUS: I’m sorry. Wow. Imagine if I said Wayne Newton, you were throwing your underwear on the table.

GUTFELD: If I was wearing any. You know, Neil Diamond is known as a Jewish —

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: I got to rinse my mouth out. That’s horrible. But the point is, I mean, this is David and Goliath without the Lord stepping in.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: I mean, it’s just — it’s just — it’s so funny that he really thought this work but what gives me hope is we just watched the canceller get cancelled.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes, yes.

GUTFELD: So maybe this is a trend. Maybe we’ll stop seeing big corporations going, oh, spot in person. You know, it’s one person. Cannot — you know what, we’re just going to say no. And the world didn’t end. So I’m excited. I’m hopeful. And we’ll start seeing that.

GUTFELD: That’s a great point.

PERINO: Yes.

GUTFELD: That is a great point. Spotify showed that they had some, you know —

(CROSSTALK)

PERINO: Spotify did not even finish reading Neil Young’s letter and they’re like, OK, it’s done.

TYRUS: Yes, nobody did.

TIMPF: I’m shock that they did read it.

PERINO: And also, they didn’t even have a meeting. They didn’t — they didn’t even let a 24-hour news cycle go by.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: They knew that — you know what, one, we’re going to have to stick with Joe.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Many of us might disagree with them, fine, we’re sticking with Joe and Neil Young. Sorry, if you want to be on Spotify, you can go to Pandora where nobody will listen to you. That’s fine. It also reminded me of Neil Young. Remember that IHOP publicity stunt where all of a sudden they were going to go from the International House of Pancakes to the International House of hamburgers and —

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: And when you found out what the hoax was.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: It’s so stupid.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: That’s how I felt about him.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s also from a P.R. perspective, open letters, you know, you paint your — you point people into a corner, if you do anything publicly that’s negative you don’t give them an option but to say screw you.

PERINO: Right.

GUTFELD: If there — if he really wanted it, he should have got behind the scenes and —

PERINO: Great point.

GUTFELD: There, you know what? I could —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: You know what, I could be a White House press secretary but I chose not to.

TYRUS: Yes. Because they wouldn’t get the little stairs for you to stand up on the mic. I know. That wouldn’t do anything.

GUTFELD: It’s not necessary.

TYRUS: Keep on rocking in the free world, bro.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS: I don’t like it. Shut up.

GUTFELD: Up next, the teachers union in big tech collude on phony fact checks.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS HOST: The teachers union proves once again. They’re your kid’s worst friend. Under the guise of fighting misinformation, they block conservative news from your kids’ education. The American Federation of Teachers Unions or AFTU, announced a deal to license News Guard, some web browser designed to fact check Web sites — News Guard, sounds like a deodorant for reporters. God knows they need it.

It’ll be installed on the computers of 1.7 million teachers and tens of millions of kids they teach. Union president, Randi, Macho Man, Weingarten — that’s Randi — yes. I appreciate you guys, thanks. It says, it’ll help students separate fact from fiction and develop their critical thinking and analytical skills. Right, by telling kids that anything the union dislikes is misinformation.

Because after all, you know, they’re going to be equally critical, both left and right, right? Well, not so fast gullible Gary. An analysis of this fact checking system by the Media Research Center found it’s about as balanced as, Kat, when her prescriptions aren’t filled. Nine out of 10 sites flagged for misinformation featured conservative or pro-life politics.

Plus, News Guard’s own founder, Steven Brill, called the Hunter Biden laptop story a hoax, then his pants spontaneously combusted. Turns out the so-called Fact Checker only checks the facts in one direction with misinformation, meaning facts they don’t like. And I’m sure this will all go over well with parents across the country who’ve already been called domestic terrorists for daring to question woke ideologies creeping into their brat’s classrooms.

I’m sure News Guard, however, will call that a hoax to. Just another reason why —

ANNOUNCER: “OUR EDUCATION SYSTEMS SUCKS.”

GUTFELD: It’s true, Tyrus. I love how the teachers — I love how the, I love how the teachers pretend this is for the kids and their education when it’s really just them trying to stop the negative press about them. It’s like, we got it, we got this is their way of saying this isn’t true. This isn’t true.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: You know, I’ve been out of school a little while but I think the law of the jungle still remains. If it comes from the front of the classroom, you do the exact opposite. It was like when you had the sex-ed class with your PE teacher, you’re like, yes, bro, I’m literally not doing anything you told me. And well, apparently, he was right.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Yes. Well, well, damn it on that one. But the point is, is that every time, every time they come out and tell you something, you know, it’s, it’s not anything to schools, they do this, you know, just say no.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: It’s a little more complicated in that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: You know, so they — it’s just another thing where they’re like, News Guard. What? Like, who even thinks this stuff up?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: I mean, they probably spent as much time as Spotify did on Neil Young’s letter with this News Guards — no one’s going to pay attention to this. And here’s the thing. You want children to be free thinkers and make decisions —

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: And learn from different things. So, telling them pay attention again, Wizard of Oz, nothing to see here. Just listen to — stay in this lane and listen to what we tell you. Anything that we don’t tell you is a lie. Where have we seen that before? Oh, yes, every other socialist country in the world. If the stuff doesn’t work, then American kids and families aren’t going.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s like almost now fact-checkers need another level of fact checking. Like, you have the story fact checkers, then you need a fact checker for the fact checker, and a fact checker for the fact checker. But the union, Dana, don’t they really need crisis P.R.?

DANA PERINO, FOX NEWS HOST: Well, they — I mean, they keep trying to revamp their communications teams.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: And they always circle back —

GUTFELD: Circle back.

PERINO: To the same point, which is parents watched their children, be educated by teachers at home for two years because of the pandemic. And they did not like what they saw or heard. And that’s why, I think 2022 is really the year that the parents were back at the elections. That’s why the midterms I think, are going to change a lot of things. And that’s not just because history shows that Biden will lose seats. Instead, if you look at what happened in Virginia, that was a state that Biden won by 10 points.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: And who put a Republican in the office? It was really the parents. And all of these studies are coming out saying, oh gosh, you know what, we should pay more attention, apparently the parents were mad about the lockdowns.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: One last thing I’d point out is NBC had a poll last week that said, parents, 65 percent of parents were more upset about their kids losing out at school than they were about getting COVID.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: At school. So, the teachers’ union has been on the wrong side of this. And now the parents and the teachers are at odds, which is not a great thing. When I say, they used to have a thing called One — do you guys remember that? I mean, this was the same idea that they were going to bring news into the classrooms that finally went away, because there was all this controversy, because it was very biased.

GUTFELD: Yes, Kat, you have four kids, how are they doing?

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Don’t ask me. I’m raising.

GUTFELD: Nice. Nice.

TYRUS: I’m racing on —

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. They seem more concerned about protecting their image, though, than helping kids or trying to find any way they can not to work.

TIMPF: The most hilarious thing about this was one of the reasons justifying it was to help kids with critical thinking. But this eliminates the part where they would do the critical thinking, because they just put the source into the little thing, right?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Instead of actually normally you see a new sort article, you’re like, oh, let me look around at some other thing. That’s the critical thinking part. They eliminated that entirely. And obviously, it’s run by humans. So, anything run by humans is going to have its own biases.

GUTFELD: Yes. And it’s definitely going to be a left-wing bias, because that’s what the teachers’ union does. Todd, I was, I liked your suggestion in the green room, Fox News in every classroom just constantly around the clock, fair and balanced and unafraid.

TYRUS: Never afraid.

GUTFELD: Never afraid.

TODD PIRO, FOX NEWS HOST: Not scared at all.

GUTFELD: Not scared.

PIRO: This is my party platform. I go around telling people this at dinner parties, I go into my child’s daycare and say this exact same thing, Fox 24/7 regardless. But it is important to remember, we’re talking about the bias implicit in the same people that fund this think tank or this watchdog or whatever it was, they also put money into a little something called the 1619 Project.

GUTFELD: There you go.

PIRO: So, let’s keep in mind where they’re headed. But as a parent, I got to be honest, I am freak the eff out.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRO: Because I thought I knew, I read the book on how to be a parent. I thought I had it all taken care of, like all the stuff that I needed to do: change diapers, and the other stuff, feed said child.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRO: But now all joking aside, there is a lot that our parents didn’t have to worry about growing up, and it’s scary. You got to not only have to go to board meetings now, you need to actively fight for your kid’s education.

GUTFELD: Right.

PIRO: And scary times, you just want to be a parent, you want to enjoy the fun stuff to take care of the series, but not have everything be a struggle like it is for parents of 2022.

GUTFELD: My parents would be terrible right now in 2022, because they’d be like 100 years old.

TYRUS: So, CNN gets the airport. Fox News gets the schools. I’m good with that.

GUTFELD: There you go.

TYRUS: I’m good with that.

PERINO: Yes, the airport.

GUTFELD: That’s perfect. All right. We solved another problem. Up next, he’s Dana’s favorite breed, but now he’s addicted to weed.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Turns out Dana’s dogs are stoner. Wow, just like his owner. Yes, Dana’s dog wouldn’t keep up the grass and ended up stoned off his ass. Last week, Dana’s dog, Percy, had to go to the hospital after he accidentally ate some edibles marijuana off the ground in Central Park. Terrible. In unrelated story, Kat, lost her purse in Central Park. Oh. Dana rushed Percy to the vet after getting this video from the doggy daycare.

Man, poor kid. All jokes aside, especially that joke of a story about how the edible must come from the park and not the disgusting drug den that Dana lives in. But weed can make dogs pretty sick. The Animal Poison Control Center claims that calls about pets eating weed are up 765 percent since 2019, although it’s rarely fatal, that say can cause symptoms like difficulty walking, wobbling while sitting still, shaking, vomited, dilated pupils and incompetence, or as Julie Banderas calls it Monday morning. Dana, I know we’re making light of this, but I feel terrible for the dogs. The dog doesn’t know what’s happening.

PERINO: Doesn’t know. Maybe that’s good.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Right. I mean, it’s good that — I have to say that I, for a moment, I thought my dog was going to die.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: He’s four and a half months old. He’s only 25 pounds, and he couldn’t walk and all these things. Now, that I know that it was marijuana, I don’t think I would have been in a panic thinking he was going to die. What I didn’t know is apparently dogs have different receptors in their brain. So, when the cannabis goes into their brains, that makes them very crazy down. So, he had to spend a night in the hospital and have an IV to flush it all out. And what was interesting is as soon as I posted about it and said I wanted to do a segment I got so many notes and one of them was very supportive one from, Kat, and you know, people that this happened to.

TIMPF: Yes, it happened to my friend.

PERINO: And there was like all these messages like happened to my dad, happened to my cousin. So, we had a bet on the said, here’s what you do in case it happens first, but also just like don’t throw it on the ground.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: It’s not like a cookie.

GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true, right? Yes, it’s better than a cookie. Really a lot better, Dana. What if you got hooked on and liked it? What if he came home and he’s listened to like reggae and demanding you know, munchies?

PERINO: And writing monologues?

GUTFELD: Writing monologues. Yes, yes. Kat, how is your dog still alive?

TIMPF: Don’t ask me. Yes, it’s tough because they’re dumb. I mean, he never he’s never eaten weed. He ate a bunch of my cat (BLEEP) once. He did and clumping litter and you had to spend the night in the hospital because it clumps up in your organs and you can die. He’s done, but he’s still alive as far as I know, I’ll see when I get home. Anything else? Also, I’d never leave a bag full of drugs in the purse.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And in the park.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: You never bring more out than you need.

GUTFELD: Yes, it’s a very good point in case you lose it. Yes, that’s, that’s what — you learned that in eighth grade. Todd, twice now you’ve said to me you don’t want to, you don’t you don’t feel comfortable discussing this.

PIRO: Look, I am anti-poisoning of dogs.

GUTFELD: Me too.

PIRO: I am running on that platform as well. Fox in every classroom, don’t get poison puppies.

TIMPF: Someone who poisons puppies would say that though, because everyone just assumed you don’t want to poison a puppy.

GUTFELD: Yes, a child molester would say, oh, I just coached little lee.

PERINO: Tyrus, I wish called in Tyrus I found the person who left the —

GUTFELD: That’s the thing, how do you — how can you find the — Tyrus, how do you punish the person? I mean, how do you you’re never going to find the person.

TYRUS: I got to be honest with you, Greg. I misread this story completely. I was so excited I was in my office today going Dana Perino smokes weed? We have so much in common now and I had so many fun jokes and now when she talked about the IV and thought her dog was going to die, I was like (BLEEP).

PERINO: That’s so funny.

TYRUS: I can’t say anything that I worked so hard to say today. I will say this, if you are going to and I think I can speak for Tyrus and Timpf podcast.

TIMPF: Yes.

TYRUS: If you’re going to introduce your dog or cat or fish to marijuana, we don’t condone it but if you must,

TIMPF: But if you must —

TYRUS: You blow the smoke in the nose or the mouth and then they have a great time. But just like people —

PERINO: Are you serious?

TYRUS: No. Just — no. Just people, like edibles are hard to measure.

GUTFELD: Yes, they are.

TYRUS: And if you take too much, you get sick. It’s not just dogs. It’s all of us. Sometimes we don’t listen to our dealer or prescription and if you take too much you end up under the bed and scared of the dark.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: So, again, I’m sorry I completely misread this.

GUTFELD: Oh, my that hey, Jean put the banner Dana smokes weed away, please.

PERINO: People did ask me if it was mine.

TYRUS: Well, that was the only other thing I thought was Peter had a hell of a good story. That’s all I thought. Was like, yes, Peter, it must be the part because be honest with you. When you drop weed, you pick it up.

GUTFELD: That’s a good point, too. I think we solved nothing.

PERINO: Nothing at all.

TYRUS: And I got to read the whole story.

GUTFELD: Yes, coming up is being cold on a date. The way to attract a mate.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Well, you do better at dating if you keep those horndogs waiting. And our suitors more effusive if you make yourself exclusive. A brand new totally scientific study has settled it. Playing hard to get does work after all. I guess that’s why women love Scott Peterson.

Yes, apparently faking disinterest really does attract mates. And it’s much better than my strategy of faking a seizure. So, there’s a chance of mouth to mouth. And an attempt to answer why they’re still single, the researchers at the University of Rochester conclude it’s all about the thrill of the chase and your suitor being unsure the affection will be reciprocated.

Wow, that’s some great research. You could have called my grandmother; she would have told you the same thing if she weren’t dead. And as I stressed before, it wasn’t my fault. Says one researcher, playing hard to get makes it seem as if you’re more in demand. We call that having higher mate value, adds another people who are too easy to attract maybe perceived as more desperate. But does this work better than the direct approach? We go to Gutfeld Dating Correspondent Joe DeVito.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE DEVITO, COMEDIAN: Greg, we’re on the streets of New York, where the direct approach is not working. I’ve already been slapped five times, pepper sprayed twice, and kneading the groin repeatedly, and I’ve only spoken with three different women. So, what I’m starting to think is — I didn’t even talk to you yet. Back to you, Greg.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Hmm, excellent. All right, Kat, do buy this study?

TIMPF: I mean, I guess.

GUTFELD: Have you, have you ever played hard to get?

TIMPF: I can’t. Like, I’m always like, I try. And I’m like, no Kat, just tell them how you feel.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: But I think that’s why my husband does love me because when I first met him, I wasn’t playing hardy because I just actually was not attracted to him at all. I was like, oh, how do I get out of here? So, and then I like obviously changed my mind and did actually marry him. But he did it back. So, yes, because I can’t really, I can’t fake it. I don’t know how you do that. I’m too, what’s — impulsive.

GUTFELD: Impulse.

TIMPF: People say hard means on (INAUDIBLE) —

TYRUS: You’re too direct.

TIMPF: That’s means impulsive.

TYRUS: You’re a go getter, Kat. You see what you want? You can get it.

TIMPF: Tell them how you feel?

TYRUS: You’re a hunter.

GUTFELD: She’s not a gatherer. She’s a hunter.

TYRUS: She’s a hunter.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: I might have gathered once or twice, or thrice.

GUTFELD: You played hard to get, haven’t you, Tyrus?

TYRUS: The only time hard to get ever comes in my life is after the relationship hard to get a decent conversation, hard to get some sleep at night, or hard to get the mood, hard to get the hell out of it. Hard to get, to find a good lawyer that doesn’t cost you as much as she’s going to so yes hard to get as always after for me. So, when I go back around America — I’m not saying, if it ever happened —

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: It will be impossible to get because I won’t have anything left. She doesn’t watch.

GUTFELD: I say that every day.

TYRUS: I know it. She doesn’t watch. She has tennis lessons —

PERINO: At night?

GUTFELD: Todd, you’re still in your 20s.

TYRUS: It’s a lot better — you’re better if you play at night apparently because it’s harder to see the ball.

GUTFELD: Go pro. And it’s tennis. Yes, go pro. Yes, but your template — yes.

TYRUS: So, Dana Perino smokes weed?

GUTFELD: Yes. I want to Todd, because you’re, you’re relatively new married, I bet — but yes. Did you, were you attracted to the women who were hard to get?

PIRO: Yes, I’m kind of on my Kat’s playing here. Yes, I guess to a certain extent it is human biology. But from my perspective, like I’m an open book. My first date with my wife, I literally grew — we’re at a football game, I grilled her with 20 questions, like everything that she was interested in life, and you kind of put all your cards on the table. Sometimes it worked, most of the time it didn’t. So, I guess the study is right. But I mean, that’s my game. I played it. Didn’t succeed a lot, but I feel like I’m doing OK.

TIMPF: That’s not what we did on our first date. I just drank five tequilas.

GUTFELD: I remember first date, I also grilled a woman.

TYRUS: OK, I’m just going to put this down.

GUTFELD: Dana, you know, but playing hard to get. It’s part of the pretty privilege. Some people just have to take what they can get instead of playing hard to get. What are your thoughts miss pretty privileged?

PERINO: Wow. OK, so first of all, I can’t believe you fell for doing a segment on a study.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: Because you make fun of us on “THE FIVE” for doing that all the time.

GUTFELD: I know.

PERINO: I also can’t believe that anybody who paid money to do this study, because as you said, your grandma, everybody knows that this is true.

GUTFELD: Right.

PERINO: But I also think that like for someone like me, I don’t have the time to play hard to get because I’m busy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PERINO: And I met my husband an airplane and he was in England. And so, that was like, what if I never see him again? So, yes, we got married five months later.

GUTFELD: Yes, there you go.

PIRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Don’t go away. We’ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We’re out of time. Thanks to Dana Perino, Todd Piro, Kat Timpf, Tyrus. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld, I love you America.

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