Greg Gutfeld: Apple’s new emoji is a just small step for beer guts, but what’s next?

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Greg Gutfeld: Apple’s new emoji is a just small step for beer guts, but what’s next?

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So today, let’s talk about heroes, people who risked their lives for others, people who put your needs before theirs. 

In our ab-obsessed, fitness-conscious world, we forget about this man – the man with the beer gut – the individual who took on the burden of girth so that we might marvel at its worth when we’re at the beach or with letters written on it at a freezing football game, or even better in the mirror over your bed. 

It’s impressive that men and women can achieve such unfettered size. It almost defies biology. 

Meanwhile, instead, we applaud those who have six-pack abs, even though with the right genes and a week of Kat’s cooking, anyone can do that. 

PREGNANT MAN, PREGNANT PERSON EMOJI COMING TO APPLE IPHONES

And yet gargantuan guts go unnoticed. Until now. 

Yes, thank God finally, it’s here. A beer gut emoji has arrived to Apple iPhones with its latest voluntary update. 

This new emoji comes in five different skin tones, so someone with a massive beer gut can be any shade that he, she or they want. 

Budweiser and pancakes do not discriminate. Like Bill Hemmer’s hot tub, it’s totally inclusive. 

Now I’m aware this is a small step for beer guts. But what’s next? 

Maybe one day he or she can be on the Supreme Court, if he identifies, at least as a Black woman of color first, which should happen. 

I mean, if a woman with a penis can swim against a woman without a penis that a White man without a vagina could be on the Supreme Court, provided he identifies as a Black woman with a vagina or without? I am confused. 

But let me finish: Of course, our racist country would probably flip out. 

Did you see the latest ABC News poll? 

As you know, our unifier in chief said he’d only nominate a Black woman to the Supreme Court. 

The guy works like a bottle of white-out in reverse, but 76% of Americans would prefer him to consider all possible nominees instead of, say, limiting his search to only seven percent of the population. 

So wait, Americans want all possible nominees? You mean like Asians, Mexicans, Indians? Please.

We’re talking about the Supreme Court here, not a food court, and we know what all possible nominees is code for: Old White guys, and certainly not Black lesbians with a beer gut like me. 

Now, Emojipedia, the company that created the beer gut emoji, says the new figure may be used by trans men, non-binary people or women with short hair, which is all good news for my softball team. 

But it’s true, all of those people can get their own beer gut. That science, according to the researchers at Old Milwaukee. 

It’s not like saying a guy can get pregnant. That would be nuts. Or should I say nut-less? 

How crazy would it be to make an emoji for that and pretend that it’s a common everyday thing? It would be silly. 

I mean, I see beer guts wherever I go, but I never actually see a pregnant man unless it’s the media pointing their cameras at one pregnant man. 

MONTAGE: PRESIDENT BIDEN WHISPERS FOR EFFECT DURING SPEECHES

Sometimes I wonder how many so-called pregnant men there are on the planet. Are there enough on the globe to fill up one Lamaze class? 

Isn’t it funny how no one ever bothers to count that sort of thing? Is it really a thing? Is it too hard to count? Or is it that they’d probably not like the answer? Because then you wouldn’t be able to justify the emoji? 

But that’s OK with the media. You know it’s not OK? The OK sign.

The Nebraska Cornhuskers, whatever that is, decided to finally change their hideously racist mascot logo. 

See, originally Herbie Husker is making an OK gesture, and as reported in the media, some yes, the mysterious some, we never know who have linked this symbol to White supremacy. 

So many racists proclaiming White supremacy. 

Whoever is in charge of vetting members for the Klan is obviously doing a horrible job. 

But it doesn’t matter. The cartoon mascot, created back in the 1970s, was changed to Herbie making a number one sign. 

I guess that’s pleasing proctologists all over the country. 

But it’s still racist. Don’t they know what the number one side means? It means quite literally supremacy because there’s only one number one. 

And who is doing it? Herbie, who was as White as Gwen Stefani taking a milk bath. But he’s not the only mascot to come under fire this week.

‘LEO THE LION’ MASCOT: Thank you, everybody, for coming. Real quick, I just want to apologize for my actions last week, I did not realize that my signature claw hand gesture was offensive to students with arthritis,

REPORTER: Leo, don’t you feel your mane is also offensive to our bald students?

LEO: I do not, actually. We are a high school, after all. Not a lot of bald guys around. And girls, bald guys and girls. 

REPORTER: Leo, PETA here. Aren’t you taking mascot jobs away from real lions? 

LEO: Well, actually, they tried having a real lion as a mascot a while back, and he just kept eating the football team. So that’s why you got a guy in a costume. 

REPORTER: Ah-ha! So you’re OK with appropriating animal culture. 

LEO: Oh, OK, you know what? This press conference is over. Meow. 

Bottom line, Nebraska fell for a trolling hoax, just like every other cowardly company that pays too much attention to Twitter and other useless idiots. 

To quote the Nebraska athletic department’s Lonna Heinrichs “That hand gesture could in some circles represent something that does not represent what Nebraska athletics is about. We just didn’t even want to be associated with portraying anything that somebody might think, you know, that it means White power.” 

Well, hey, I got a better idea for your mascot. Why not have him holding his testicles in a mayonnaise jar? 

So there you go. It doesn’t matter if the smear is real, it’s only if someone out there might think it’s racist, and who cares who that someone is? 

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It could be Jussie Smollett. You know, I bet is MAGA attackers were making that gesture when they hate crimed him. 

And so, if the more morons in Nebraska athletics think it’s OK to see the OK sign is racist, then I can see the pregnant man emoji as a beer gut because that’s what I think I’m seeing, right? 

And at least my observation is grounded in science, not science fiction. 

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening commentary on the January 31, 2022, edition of “Gutfeld!.”

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